Myth ~ All Breastfeeding Mums love Breastfeeding.

'The lactating woman who has D-MER experiences a brief period of dysphoria that begins just prior to the milk ejection reflex and continues for not more than several minutes. It may recur with every milk release or only with the initial milk release at each feeding. D-MER always presents as an emotional reaction but may also produce a hollow or churning feeling in the pit of the stomach.  When experiencing D-MER mothers may report any of a spectrum of different unpleasant emotions, ranging from depression to anxiety to anger.'

~ From Wikipedia

'I've got a bad feeling about this'

~ by Anon (reproduced with permission).

'Firstly, a bit about me and my views on infant feeding.

I am not the most passionate advocate of breastfeeding in the world. Compared to many I'm an extremist, but my attitude to the Great Feeding Debate is comparatively mellow.  I've read The Politics of Breastfeeding (or, as it's known in milky corners, The Politics), and I've been appalled by the stories I've read in there.  Reading that book, you'd be forgiven for thinking that infant milk manufacturers are the single greatest evil ever to stalk this earth, and the area of infant nutrition has been unlucky in falling prey to a unique kind of irresponsible profit-mongering.

You'd be wrong.

In America in the 1950's a senator named Dudley LeBlanc started selling a patent medicine called 'Hadacol'. Hadacol had no identifiable curative properties, but it was supposed to be good for everybody.  It was a retail sensation.  People who had to choose between buying food, or Hadacol for their children would buy this drug, they'd buy it instead of shoes, instead of prescription medications.  It was snake-oil - an unscrupulous salesman exploiting peoples' desire to keep themselves and their families healthy.

Even worse has been the unscrupulous work of Matthias Rath and affiliates, campaigning hard in Africa to ban AZT- anti-retroviral therapy for sufferers of HIV.  Dubbing AZT to be 'toxic' and actually responsible for the deaths of AID's sufferers, they suggested that, if HIV exists at all, it can be treated by eating wild garlic and African potatoes.  This man had the ear of the then-President of South Africa, Thabo Mbeki, who reacted by withholding AZT from thousands of HIV sufferers.  This is death resulting from bad science- a vitamin-pill entrepreneur exploiting ignorance in the pursuit of profit and fame.

Such it is with formula companies. When deregulated companies are let loose on vulnerable communities, the result is death.  We absolutely should care about babies who die because their mothers were persuaded to give formula, but this is part of a bigger picture.  When we say that capitalism isn't working, it's about more than the credit crunch, it's about the death toll.  The fight is bigger than breastfeeding - it's a fight for good science, tougher regulation for markets that have anything to do with health and nutrition, and, of course, the fight to end global poverty.  Breastfeeding is part of a jigsaw.

So, with that in mind, why do I breastfeed?  Breastfeeding, these days, is fabulously counter-cultural.  It's revolutionary, not just because it's free, but also because it's a symbol of female potency.  I am a woman, I make milk.  I give life, and that's a power that's generally reserved for gods.  There's a reason why Christian's believe that the Communion wafer either is, or represents the body of Christ - it represents an ultimate sacrifice - giving of yourself to sustain another - it's the greatest thing you can do, and that's basically how breastfeeding works.

But a mother with aversion or D-MER gives more than just calories and antibodies.  She sacrifices her happiness to give that milk, she pours away (however temporarily), her sanity.  I know the feeling that you're putting 'bad vibes' in the milk, as you screw up your face and ball up your fists, trying to cope with that awful skin-creeping feeling that steals over you while you feed.... but the baby doesn't know that.  The baby has warm milk and a soft breast, the baby is happy.  You're lending out your happiness, and unlike other mums, that means you're not going to have it for a little while.

I think this is probably too much to ask from a woman.  I read another lady saying that she thinks aversion is a sufficient reason to wean, and in my heart I agree, but it's far from that simple.  A mum with aversion, or D-MER, may be even more invested in breastfeeding than a mum who enjoys the process, or is indifferent to it, because she is trying so hard to keep going.  She can feel her soul being sucked out through the nipple, the creeping feeling of being patted by little hands that can be so unnerving during the feed, and *constant* reiteration of 'I am doing this for my baby' can be the only thing standing between her and throwing the baby down and running away.  Women who hate breastfeeding can be more dedicated to the cause than anybody else, because they are paying so much more to get the benefits for their child.

So, many mothers suffering from D-MER or aversion will find themselves wanting to keep feeding, despite exquisite emotional pain, and in this case distraction is key.  Television is good, but I find that once the commercials come on I get right back to feeling that awful awful sucking, and I have to either de-latch the baby or flick over to something that's going to occupy my mind.  I've also found that breastfeeding in public is much easier - even if you're not talking to anybody there is more life around you to occupy your mind.  Books, if you're so lucky that your baby won't beat them out of your hand, or a computer, or a conversation. It helps to be able to say to someone 'I am so hating this right now'.


The night feeds are worse, and within weeks of the aversion feeling creeping up on me I had to night-wean Dexter.  Lying there at night I felt intensely vulnerable, and breastfeeding at those times left me feeling molested by my child.  Before I weaned I would often get up completely and take Dex down to the living room, and he'd feed while I watched Lead Balloon.  Not ideal, but better than what I would have done, which would have been removing him from the breast, and then having us both cry together.

These days I've put boundaries around our nursing partnership.  I'm no longer able to feed whenever he wants, for as long as he wants, so I offer 10 minutes a feed, 3 times a day.  He's 13 months corrected, so thankfully he's not reliant on my breastmilk as the sole source of sustenance, and knowing that I only have to deal with these feelings for 30 minutes a day makes them much more bearable.  I didn't want it to be like this, but I think that had I gone on offering whenever, for as long as he wanted, I would have ended up weaning completely.  When breastfeeding makes you unhappy, you need to be able to contain the unhappiness - prepare yourself for it and know that it's not going to be forever, it's only for now.  You need to know it's going to end, because endless unhappiness is just despair, and no mother should have to feel that.  I think that understanding what is happening to you is a big part of coping with it- at the crucial moment of let-down, when you're consumed with misery and anger, you know in your conscious mind that this isn't you, it's a physiological problem that has temporarily hijacked your brain.

I've also found that it helps to be physically prepared.  If I've eaten well and slept well, the feeling isn't so bad, I can cope with the antsy feeling better, I can steer my thoughts away from what I'm doing.  Someone told me that caffeine helps them with their D-MER feelings and I agree - I don't feed Dexter until after my morning coffee, and for some reason that helps me feel less overwhelmed.

But even so, it's hard.  I've had cracked nipples, I've had mastitis 6 times, and breastfeeding aversion very nearly beat me.  It is so difficult to explain, especially when someone asks you why you aren't breastfeeding, or you feel the need to explain why - such exchanges need to be short - and you find yourself saying 'It feels icky', you can hardly blame your companion for rolling their eyes, but they don't understand the chasm of feeling that's lurking beneath the 'icky' feeling.  The emotional distress that some nursing mothers feel is very real, and I have found it worse than any of the physical barriers I encountered on my breastfeeding journey.  Women suffering with these problems feel abnormal; they feel bereft of what was supposed to be a 'special season' in their lives.  They feel that they have ‘issues’, personally I've wondered whether breastfeeding feels this way to me because I'm some kind of pervert.  Looking at me, or even chatting to me about breastfeeding, would give you no clue of what I think about when I'm trying to feed my baby in the armpit of a dark night, but it shouldn't be a secret, because now I know it's not just me.'

Ed's note:  All italics/ bold are mine.

Some additional links:

http://community.babycentre.co.uk/groups/a3869875/nursing_aversion_d-mer (UK - based online support group)
http://www.infantrisk.org/content/dysphoric-milk-ejection-reflex
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Alia-Macrina-Heise/114427398622601?v=wall&ref=sgm
(link to the personal FB page of Lactation Counsellor Alia Macrina, who specialises in D-MER & maintains: http://d-mer.org/)
http://www.postpartumprogress.com/weblog/2009/06/for-moms-who-feel-bad-before-breastfeeding-this-may-be-why.html
http://blog.placentabenefits.info/index.php/2010/11/placenta-helps-with-d-mer/ (some thoughts on how placenta encapsulation may help with D-MER).